Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some fireworks out the window? It would make the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF! — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
