I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals:… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help:… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
