Bigs Quotes by Jack Handey

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and…

— Jack Handey

One day I saw a big kid beating up a little kid. I went over to the little kid and gave him…

— Jack Handey

I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating…

— Jack Handey

People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just…

— Jack Handey

I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy."

— Jack Handey

Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness…

— Jack Handey

I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster.

— Jack Handey

I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!

— Jack Handey

I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said…

— Jack Handey

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate…

— Jack Handey

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go…

— Jack Handey

If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap…

— Jack Handey

Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just…

— Jack Handey

Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a…

— Jack Handey

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out…

— Jack Handey

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and…

— Jack Handey

Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it…

— Jack Handey

Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling…

— Jack Handey

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the…

— Jack Handey

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like…

— Jack Handey

The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the…

— Jack Handey

I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long…

— Jack Handey

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole…

— Jack Handey

I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then…

— Jack Handey

I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a…

— Jack Handey

If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet…

— Jack Handey