Bigs Quote by Jack Handey

“I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster.”

Jack Handey

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Bigs Deep thought Dresses Ears Gone Gone with the wind Monster movie Monsters My favorite Thinking Wind

More by Jack Handey

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

Jack Handey

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I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down and explained that business hadn't been good at Dad's store, so we couldn't afford a turkey. We had vegetables and bread and pie, and it was just fine. Later on, I went into Mom and Dad's…

Jack Handey

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you…

Jack Handey

Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

Jack Handey

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I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

Jack Handey

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It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…

Jack Handey

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Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

Jack Handey

I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is…

Jack Handey

Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…

Jack Handey

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Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…

Jack Handey

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Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.

Jack Handey

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When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

Jack Handey

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It is said that history turns on small hinges. A human career, too, results from an accumulating series of decisions about large and small…

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I'm a true believer in prayer, a big believer in prayer.

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The biggest change for me as a mom was realizing I needed to put someone else before me. Now the hardest part about the empty nest is learning to put myself first. I know that I have raised my sons to be big, strong, independent men who love God, themselves and care for others. I have to learn to let…

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I'm a big fan of all the Boston guys that are acting - Matt Damon , Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg - they made a great career out of it, and they found a way to do it and still be cool guys, so that's kind of where I want to be.

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The only regret I have in my career, is my managers wanted a big payday, and I wanted four or five more fights before…

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It goes to show you how we in the press so often miss the big stories that are right under our noses. There is a famous journalistic legend about the time a young reporter covered the Johnstown flood of 1889. The kid wrote: God sat on a hillside overlooking Johnstown today and looked at the destruction He had wrought. His…

Roger Ebert