Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to really… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car -… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and let your hostages laugh too,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
