I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy." — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend." — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
