If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
