Bunch Quote by Jack Handey

“I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.”

Jack Handey

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ 4.4 out of 5 (5 ratings)

Bunch Cigar Deep thought Firsts Laughing Thinking Tobacco

More by Jack Handey

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

Jack Handey

Image

I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down and explained that business hadn't been good at Dad's store, so we couldn't afford a turkey. We had vegetables and bread and pie, and it was just fine. Later on, I went into Mom and Dad's…

Jack Handey

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you…

Jack Handey

Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

Jack Handey

Image

I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

Jack Handey

Image

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…

Jack Handey

Image

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

Jack Handey

I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is…

Jack Handey

Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…

Jack Handey

Image

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…

Jack Handey

Image

Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.

Jack Handey

Image

When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

Jack Handey

Image

Explore all 358 Jack Handey quotes

More Bunch quotes

At the drop of a hat, people will say there are no roles for women after 40. It's there with a bunch of other…

Lesley Nicol

Image

“The universe contains any amount of horrible ways to be woken up, such as the noise of the mob breaking down the front door, the scream of fire engines, or the realization that today is the Monday which on Friday night was a comfortably long way off. A dog's wet nose is not strictly speaking the worst of the bunch,…

Terry Pratchett

I started off playing by ear, and being around a bunch of musicians and playing in the streets and in the different parades and,…

Troy Andrews

Image

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing…

Anonymous

Image

In summer, my Sundays are often taken up with cricket. I play with a bunch of other over-competitive and overenthusiastic guys who I have…

Ben Elliot

Image

There's when a phrase circles in my head in a number of ways for any number of days, weeks, or months, and then that…

Dan Mangan

Image

Do you know what it is sir? Do you know what the Dance Dance Revolution is? It's not an actual revolution, so you don't have to worry about that. It's not like a bunch of Asians are going to knock on your door 'Hey! Start dancing!'

Russell Peters

I would say my fraternity was nothing but a bunch of farm boys; we weren't really in the whole fraternity scene, but yeah, that's…

Luke Bryan

Image

In a way, we are magicians. We are alchemists, sorcerers and wizards. We are a very strange bunch. But there is great fun in…

Billy Joel

Image

Rita folded her arms around herself and peered up at me. “If you’d asked me three months ago I’d have said you were hitting the bottle too hard. But then I got stabbed and should have died, but instead a bunch of cops and ambulance people showed up because somebody who wasn’t even there sent them on ahead to save…

C.E. Murphy