Groucho Marx

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

— Groucho Marx

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

— Groucho Marx

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

— Groucho Marx

He [Groucho's father] had absolutely no training, and if you had ever seen one of his suits, you'd realize what an accurate…

— Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.

— Groucho Marx

Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.

— Groucho Marx

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you

— Groucho Marx

The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old

— Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

— Groucho Marx

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

— Groucho Marx

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

— Groucho Marx

I hate London when it's not raining.

— Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

— Groucho Marx

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

— Groucho Marx

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

— Groucho Marx

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

— Groucho Marx

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

— Groucho Marx

“Once I put it down I couldn't pick it back up.”

— Groucho Marx

Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty…

— Groucho Marx

“Scientists make these deductions by examining a rat, or your landlord who won’t cut the rent, and what do they find? Asparagus.”

— Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

— Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

— Groucho Marx

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now

— Groucho Marx

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important,…

— Groucho Marx

Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going…

— Groucho Marx