I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar." — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy." — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
