If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under"… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
