If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet what happend was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns-regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks."… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of cannibals. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill somone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they're gone, man. They're gone. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
