Behind you Quote by Jack Handey

“When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.”

Jack Handey

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Behind you Behinds Deep thought Following Kicks Legs People Stairs Steps

More by Jack Handey

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

Jack Handey

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I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down and explained that business hadn't been good at Dad's store, so we couldn't afford a turkey. We had vegetables and bread and pie, and it was just fine. Later on, I went into Mom and Dad's…

Jack Handey

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you…

Jack Handey

Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

Jack Handey

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I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

Jack Handey

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It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…

Jack Handey

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Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

Jack Handey

I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is…

Jack Handey

Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…

Jack Handey

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Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…

Jack Handey

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Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.

Jack Handey

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When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

Jack Handey

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Explore all 358 Jack Handey quotes

More Behind you quotes

Strong families use the word "we" a lot, but "I" is never forgotten. Family members know they have the freedom to go off on…

Joyce Brothers

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For God is wholly present in all creation, in every corner, he is behind you and before you. Do you think he is sleeping…

Martin Luther

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The worst thing that can happen is that the effect that they create behind you is bigger than the performance you're putting out.

Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa

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I would rather speak the truth to ten men than blandishments and lying to a million. Try it, ye who think there is nothing…

Henry Ward Beecher

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Leave your yawns behind you and feel the tiny new breeze of life lighting up inside of you.

Tao Porchon-Lynch

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Be sure that Christ is not behind you, but before, calling and drawing you on. This is the liberty, the beautiful liberty of Christ.…

Horace Bushnell

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When you become angry, you enter a tunnel, leaving the light behind you; when you get calm, you exit the tunnel, finding the light…

Mehmet Murat Ildan

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I wish you were that birch rising from the clump behind you, and I the gray oak alongside.

Donald Hall

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What has happened has happened and it is now behind you. Take the best of it all as you move positively forward.

Ralph Marston

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A cultivated style would be like a mask. Everybody knows it's a mask, and sooner or later you must show yourself -- or at…

Katherine Anne Porter

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I understand the opposite side of the camera. I have a profound respect for that. I have worked with people who, when you hit that mark, are doing 50 percent of your work for you. So, you know, it's a balance. When you walk into a mark and you're lit a certain way or something's happening so often you don't…

Jake Gyllenhaal