The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals:… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?! — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
