If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns-regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
