If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable-until I realized it wasn't a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whenever I need to "get away", I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not an 'afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
