I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable-until I realized it wasn't a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out."… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help:… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
