Deep thought Quote by Jack Handey

“Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.” quote by Jack Handey — Download Open image

“Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.”

Jack Handey

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Deep thought Higher Life Littles May Not ready Outer space Ready Secret Secret life Space Torture Tunes Want

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Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

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I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down and explained that business hadn't been good at Dad's store, so we couldn't afford a turkey. We had vegetables and bread and pie, and it was just fine. Later on, I went into Mom and Dad's…

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At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you…

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

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I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

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It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…

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Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

Jack Handey

I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is…

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Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…

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Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…

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Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.

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When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

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Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

Jack Handey

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I had always assumed that the right way to do it was to these engineers, put them in offices by themselves with doors that…

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The amount you give isn't important. What matters is what that amount represents in terms of your life.

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As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing…

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I never knew an early-rising, hard-working, prudent man, careful of his earnings, and strictly honest who complained of bad luck.

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The biggest battle in life is with yourself

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At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you…

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Be bold in your caring, and be bold in your dreaming.

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

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I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

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I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another…

Anonymous

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…

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