If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes!… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help:… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
