Able Quote by Jack Handey

“If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.”

Jack Handey

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More by Jack Handey

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

Jack Handey

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I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down…

Jack Handey

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At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth…

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

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I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

Jack Handey

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It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…

Jack Handey

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Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK…

Jack Handey

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I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy…

Jack Handey

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Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…

Jack Handey

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Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…

Jack Handey

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Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.

Jack Handey

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When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

Jack Handey

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Explore all 358 Jack Handey quotes

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I wanted to remember in order to be able to return.

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Government schools, with your tax money, now discourage the teaching of multiplication tables by rote memorization but teach reading by the 'look-and-say' method which…

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