Anthony Jeselnik

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to…

— Anthony Jeselnik

I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a…

— Anthony Jeselnik

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

— Anthony Jeselnik

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

— Anthony Jeselnik

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

— Anthony Jeselnik

About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night…

— Anthony Jeselnik

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat…

— Anthony Jeselnik

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing…

— Anthony Jeselnik

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

— Anthony Jeselnik

I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that…

— Anthony Jeselnik

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be…

— Anthony Jeselnik

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

— Anthony Jeselnik

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

— Anthony Jeselnik

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them…

— Anthony Jeselnik

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.

— Anthony Jeselnik

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

— Anthony Jeselnik

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

— Anthony Jeselnik

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside…

— Anthony Jeselnik

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let…

— Anthony Jeselnik

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of…

— Anthony Jeselnik

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll…

— Anthony Jeselnik

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

— Anthony Jeselnik

I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me…

— Anthony Jeselnik

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

— Anthony Jeselnik

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

— Anthony Jeselnik