I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator.… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
