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Kids Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

13 Kids quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

All Kids quotes Anthony Jeselnik’s page

Anthony Jeselnik tackles the subject of kids with his trademark deadpan wit, delivering jokes that walk the line between cheeky and provocative. In this concise collection, he flips familiar parenting tropes on their head, giving readers a taste of his bold, irreverent humor.

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I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky,…

Anthony Jeselnik

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Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let…

Anthony Jeselnik

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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

Anthony Jeselnik

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I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

Anthony Jeselnik

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I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

Anthony Jeselnik

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I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a…

Anthony Jeselnik

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About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator.…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be…

Anthony Jeselnik

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My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is…

Anthony Jeselnik

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My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old,…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

Anthony Jeselnik

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About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.…

Anthony Jeselnik

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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

Anthony Jeselnik

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I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

Anthony Jeselnik

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I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

Anthony Jeselnik

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I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

Anthony Jeselnik

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I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.

Anthony Jeselnik

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