“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My kids are so dramatically different, but it's not like I would trade one in or like there's one I would pick… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
We all take Mother's Day seriously and then it's like a month later, a bunch of kids get together and say, "I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?' — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Screaming. Did I mention the screaming? Screaming is usually associated with horror films and roller coasters. This is why I usually look… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The amount of guilt you deal with as a parent is pretty profound. It's a constant balancing act. I'm an ambitious person,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was the youngest of the six kids, and to make my older siblings laugh, that was very important. I did a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they've learned during the rest of the year. They don't… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
