I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor." — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month! — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
