Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
A dugout is much superior to a conventional manufactured canoe because you can get soaking wet without bothering to capsize it. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Only one way to cover a story like this, and make that a double, bartender, please. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The America's Cup is like driving your Lamborgini to the Gran Prix track to watch the charter buses race. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Writing this book required an enormous amount of help from friends. To them goes the credit. I'll take the money. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
One of the reporters must have flunked journalism school because he asked a question that went straight to the point. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Long conversations with pals when neither you nor they have had a drink can be a test of palship. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I can think of a number of areas in New York where three acres of nuclear waste would make the neighborhood safer… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Australia is not very exclusive. On the visa application they still ask if you've been convicted of a felony - although they… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley! — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Summing it Up..."Where's a good place for dinner?" I asked. "There's the Brasserie Lipp on the Avenue St. Germaine," she said, "or… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I figured if I could put together being funny about stuff and actual events, maybe I could do something that wasn't being… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If a journalist shows a facility for praise he's liable to be offered a job in public relations or advertising and the… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
West Germans are tall, pink, pert and orthodontically corrected, with hands, teeth and hair as clean as their clothes and clothes as… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. Start thinking… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
There was also a hunger strike in front of the National Press Club, which seemed an odd place to have a hunger… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
In Washington journalists can afford to live almost as well as people who work for a living. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Imagine having journalists in your own home and not even covering the furniture with plastic sheets first. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailboating equipment, the gin and tonic. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner." — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I'm here as a radio journalist but am not even sure which part of a tape recorder takes the pictures. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I'm a member of the working press; you'd think I'd know better than to listen to journalists. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
In comparative terms, there's no poverty in America by a long shot. Heritage Foundation political scientist Robert Rector has worked up figures showing that… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
So-called Western Civilization, as practised in half of Europe, some of Asia and a few parts of North America, is better than anything else… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
It was Ronald Reagan who used to say that the 10 most frightening words in the English language are, "I'm from the federal government,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Gun violence has cost us too many political leaders, and hardly ever the worst ones. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Pete Seeger is a modest, unassuming, cheerful, and kind-natured man. He's a good folk singer, if you can stand folk singing. And he's such… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Journalists are notoriously easy to kid. All you have to do is speak to a journalist in a very serious tone of voice, and… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
