If I do, I say so. That's the only way out of that. If there are three words that need to be… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. Start thinking… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Our democracy, our culture, our whole way of life is a spectacular triumph of the blah. Why not have a political convention… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
There's a certain kind of behavior in the Arab world that, to me, resembles the way young men behave when there is… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I'd like to end the book a lot of ways. Except I don't have any answers. Use your common sense. Be nice.… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Personally, I believe a rocking hammock, a good cigar, and a tall gin-and-tonic is the way to save the planet. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Conservatives really don't believe in politics as the primary instrument of getting along in life and therefore don't tend to put their… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Fiscal conservatism is just an easy way to express something that is a bit more difficult, which is that the size and… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Taxi drivers all over the world, by the way, are under Newspaper Guild contract to give easy quotes to foreign correspondents. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from crying. (Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Fretting about overpopulation, is a perfect guilt-free— indeed, sanctimonious— way for progressives to be racists. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
There's a current notion that you should "take charge of your disease." No thanks. I'm busy. I've got cancer. I'm willing to… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If we were to inspect ourselves or members of our family and our friends, we would see that we don't really have… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Oh, God. The Sixties are coming back. Well I've got a 12-gauge double-barreled duck gun chambered for three-inch Magnum shells. And -… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Adam Smith pointed out that there were three things that make us more prosperous, in a general sort of way: freedom to… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The idea of a stag hunt evokes chivalry - knights in jerkins and hose, ladies on sidesaddles with wimples and billowing dresses,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If you're doing a column, you kind of have to. Like in the back of Sports Illustrated, Rick Reilly has to find… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I wonder if it changes the nature of a society for beauty to be so common. Maybe in Vietnam "She has a… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Actually, there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Think about last time you were broke ... now how well did it go with spending your way out of it? Did… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Only one way to cover a story like this, and make that a double, bartender, please. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
In comparative terms, there's no poverty in America by a long shot. Heritage Foundation political scientist Robert Rector has worked up figures showing that… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
So-called Western Civilization, as practised in half of Europe, some of Asia and a few parts of North America, is better than anything else… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
It was Ronald Reagan who used to say that the 10 most frightening words in the English language are, "I'm from the federal government,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Gun violence has cost us too many political leaders, and hardly ever the worst ones. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Pete Seeger is a modest, unassuming, cheerful, and kind-natured man. He's a good folk singer, if you can stand folk singing. And he's such… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Journalists are notoriously easy to kid. All you have to do is speak to a journalist in a very serious tone of voice, and… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
