You can't get something for nothing. Everybody remembers this except politicians. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Not being a liberal, I have very little grasp of things that I know nothing about. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Just as some things are too strange for fiction, others are too true for journalism. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
No government proposal more complicated than "This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private" ever works. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
A dugout is much superior to a conventional manufactured canoe because you can get soaking wet without bothering to capsize it. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Nothing bad is going to happen to us. If we get fired, it's not failure; its a midlife vocational reassessment. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
One of the reporters must have flunked journalism school because he asked a question that went straight to the point. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley! — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Abstract anger is great for rhetorical carrying on. You can go on endlessly about the post office, but it doesn't mean you're… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
A woman should dress to attract attention. To attract the most attention, a woman should be either nude, or wearing something as… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Mankind has invested more than four million years of evolution in the attempt to avoid physical exertion. Now a group of backward-thinking… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from crying. (Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Those who do not know history are probably also not doing well in English or math. P.J. O'Rourke — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Cats possess so many of the same qualities as some poeple that it is often hard to tell the people and the… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
There are a lot of mysterious things about boats, such as why anyone would get on one voluntarily. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Never do anything to a clitoris with your teeth that you wouldn't do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Because of their cuisine, Germans don't consider farting rude. They'd certainly be out of luck if they did. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
In comparative terms, there's no poverty in America by a long shot. Heritage Foundation political scientist Robert Rector has worked up figures showing that… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
So-called Western Civilization, as practised in half of Europe, some of Asia and a few parts of North America, is better than anything else… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
It was Ronald Reagan who used to say that the 10 most frightening words in the English language are, "I'm from the federal government,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Gun violence has cost us too many political leaders, and hardly ever the worst ones. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Pete Seeger is a modest, unassuming, cheerful, and kind-natured man. He's a good folk singer, if you can stand folk singing. And he's such… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Journalists are notoriously easy to kid. All you have to do is speak to a journalist in a very serious tone of voice, and… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
