Humorous Quotes by P. J. O'Rourke

The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.

— P. J. O'Rourke

East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory.

— P. J. O'Rourke

Germans respond well to lies. At least, they always have historically.

— P. J. O'Rourke

This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans.

— P. J. O'Rourke

It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation.

— P. J. O'Rourke

The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle.

— P. J. O'Rourke

If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.

— P. J. O'Rourke

Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not…

— P. J. O'Rourke

America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. Start thinking…

— P. J. O'Rourke

France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Each American embassy comes with two permanent features - a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas. Most demonstrators…

— P. J. O'Rourke

The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter.…

— P. J. O'Rourke

The commies are the only people on earth who think Star Wars will work. If they're that gullible, maybe we should have…

— P. J. O'Rourke

The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance,…

— P. J. O'Rourke

You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.

— P. J. O'Rourke

It was to be a short visit for the G-shevs. More than four days in the U.S. and Raisa's VISA card bill…

— P. J. O'Rourke

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Passover is my idea of a perfect holiday. Dear God, when you're handing out plagues of darkness, locusts, hail, boils, flies, lice,…

— P. J. O'Rourke

For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets,…

— P. J. O'Rourke

I can think of a number of areas in New York where three acres of nuclear waste would make the neighborhood safer…

— P. J. O'Rourke

The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Anyhow, all mankind's ideas and interests, all human aims and motives, are exhibited, fully formed, in a three-year-old child. The kid is…

— P. J. O'Rourke

West Germans are tall, pink, pert and orthodontically corrected, with hands, teeth and hair as clean as their clothes and clothes as…

— P. J. O'Rourke

I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit…

— P. J. O'Rourke

I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners - Stalin, for example -…

— P. J. O'Rourke

There are artists with palettes and easels selling the kind of modern art that Soviet art critics used to critique with bulldozers.…

— P. J. O'Rourke

I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll…

— P. J. O'Rourke