Humorous Quotes

Hemingway was a jerk.

— Harold Robbins

“Stupid fuckin' ninja dude.”

— Lila Rose

“My Epitaph: THIS is Plan B”

— Oran Kangas

“Yo! Hold my poodle!”

— Shawn Wayans

“Poisons are more my thing”

— Kate Morton

The President's very shrewd

— Sam Donaldson

“You gotta want it.”

— Bill Murray

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

— Groucho Marx

You shall know the truth, and it will make you odd.

— Flannery O'Connor

“Well, wasn't this a night for firsts. Sex. Arson. Pants.”

— J.R. Ward

“Superfast beings shouldn't piss off the comics geek-girl.”

— Gini Koch

“Some men are dogs; some dogs are women.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

— Samuel Palmer

“...I gotta burn these scales... sigh*”

— Hiroko Sakai

“You! You foul loathsome evil little cockroach!”

— J.K. Rowling

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

— Harry M Warner

“Jewish vampires: Crosses & holy water won’t hurt me whatcha gonna try next?”

— Tasha Turner

“I admit I once threw caution to the wind… It doesn't fly well!!”

— Neil Leckman

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

— W. C. Fields

“Everybody says I am NOBODY, and you know NOBODY is Perfect.”

— shaikh mustafa

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

— George Carlin

Indeed I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong

— William J. Clinton

“Some people avoid thinking deeply in public, only because they are afraid of coming across as suicidal.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.

— E. W. Howe

“What's with that?” Butters screamed, his voice high and frightened. “Just covering his head with his arms? Didn't he see the lawyer…

— Jim Butcher

“You think everyone pervs you."... "That's cos they do, and you're just jealous, cos I'm gorgeous and you're not." ~ conversation between…

— Marita A. Hansen

It looked something like a pen wiper and something like a piece of hearth-rug. A second and keener inspection revealed it as…

— P. G. Wodehouse

“Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“If we were not impressed by job titles, suits, and jargon, we would demand that financial advisors show us their personal bank…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Damn, Marcus, how much have you been working out? You have the ass of a god. He turned to face her, and…

— Caris Roane

When we got off the streetcar at Times Square, it was somewhat of a letdown. Newspapers were blowing about the road and…

— Charlie Chaplin

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live…

— Woody Allen

I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in…

— Woody Allen

“I have considered the impudent accusations of Mr Dawkins with exasperation at his lack of serious scholarship. He has apparently not read…

— Richard Dawkins

“I nod and smile and smile and nod, and when she turns away, I form a gun with my hand, place it…

— Victoria Scott

“A smile is the best way to get oneself out of a tight spot, even if it is a fake one. Surprisingly…

— Naruto Shippuden

I have neither the scholar's melancholy, which is emulation; nor the musician's, which is fantastical; nor the courtier's, which is proud; not…

— William Shakespeare

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice;…

— George Burns

“Today was my forty-fifth birthday. Impending old age and a problem marriage were staring me in the face. Not a good place…

— Karen Cantwell

College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more…

— H. L. Mencken