“Jane: "Look, Dave Chandler left me on the ninth floor of our university research library without my panties after we lost our… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
Happy Mother's Day to a mom who didn't intentionally get knocked up to be on MTV. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and likes to see us happy. — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but ticking everyone off is a piece of cake. — Rick Sutter Copy Share Image
“If we were not impressed by job titles, suits, and jargon, we would demand that financial advisors show us their personal bank… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
If you share a good idea long enough, it will eventually fall on good people. — Jim Rohn Copy Share Image
When Charles first saw our child Mary, he said all the proper things for a new father. He looked upon the poor… — Helen Hayes Copy Share Image
“We all have different languages; but we all really mean the same thing.” — C.S. Lewis Copy Share Image
'24' is a pretty serious show - there isn't a lot of improv that is happening. Having said that, I do play… — Mary Lynn Rajskub Copy Share Image
“He shouted into the phone, “That is fuckin’ awesome. I mean fuckin’ awesome. I fuckin’ mean fucking awesome. You are one Big… — Michael Lewis Copy Share Image
“Am I higher or lower than she? It was always the vital question for Anna: who was superior, and how she could… — Laura L. Sullivan Copy Share Image
As expected, you get his machine. Someday, even the "call of nature" will be answered by a machine. — Tom Robbins Copy Share Image
A footman may swear; but he cannot swear like a lord. He can swear as often: but can he swear with equal… — Jonathan Swift Copy Share Image
“Nature" doesn't really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen… — Pat Connid Copy Share Image
At 50, a man can be an ass without being an optimist but not an optimist without being an ass — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
“From the bow of the canoe she asked, "Do you know a rain dance?" "First I need a virgin.” — Carl Hiaasen Copy Share Image
Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us, ZORAC announced after a short pause. The designs are not familiar, but they are obviously… — James P. Hogan Copy Share Image
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. — Richard Lewis Copy Share Image
“[To my enemy:] Some are great, some are born great, some have greatness thrust upon them! And then there's you.” — Reginald Dipwipple Copy Share Image
I try to sing many different kinds of songs. If I sing a batch of humorous songs, I'll throw in a deadly… — Pete Seeger Copy Share Image
“My life is a plate of perfectly edible but ordinary scrambled eggs. I want them savory, creamy, cheesy and maybe with bacon… — Varsha Bajaj Copy Share Image
