“He walked over to where the three were standing. “I see all the beauty is on this side of the room.” Viktoria… — Randy C. Dockens Copy Share Image
We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Everybody's gone through things, and I think the point of comedy is to talk about those things in a humorous way so… — Janelle James Copy Share Image
Being extremely honest is quite funny. But there's no recipe or concept that I can bring up that fully defines what we… — Yorgos Lanthimos Copy Share Image
People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
“Germans at the time believed, a little oddly, that dyes killed germs by turning the germs’ vital organs the wrong color.” — Sam Kean Copy Share Image
Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Diesel sucked air. "You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you." "I'm not fondling you. I'm looking… — Janet Evanovich Copy Share Image
The roulette table pays nobody except him that keeps it. Nevertheless a passion for gaming is common, though a passion for keeping… — George Bernard Shaw Copy Share Image
“Every gay man out there has at least one man-crush in his past that totally shriveled his nads into raisins and sent… — T.A. Webb Copy Share Image
Well," said my aunt, "this is his boy - his son. He would be as like his father as it's possible to… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
I was in a department store and the clerk came up to me and said do you want to lay on the… — Stanley Victor Paskavich Copy Share Image
We (The British) have not journeyed across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made… — Winston Churchill Copy Share Image
Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain. — Pierre Trudeau Copy Share Image
“I'm going to go throw up now, because ive turned into my dad. If vomiting doesn't work, I'll see if I can… — Veronica Blade Copy Share Image
It is an inconvenience, being located in a city where taxes are ludicrously high, where you pay twice your annual income to… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It (the double-clarinet in India) was primarily used for snake charming, since the snake would do almost anything to get the Indians… — Victor Borge Copy Share Image
“Worse day ever!" I whined to Ellie. "Oh, worse than the time you got pulled over and the cop said 'papers' and… — Sophie Monroe Copy Share Image
“...he spent whole days and nights over his books; and thus with little sleeping and much reading his brains dried up to… — Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra Copy Share Image
When Charles first saw our child Mary, he said all the proper things for a new father. He looked upon the poor… — Helen Hayes Copy Share Image
I think you want a little unofficial help. Three undetected murders in one year won't do, Lestrade. But you handled the Molesey… — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of… — Katharine Whitehorn Copy Share Image
None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother… — George Burns Copy Share Image
I've always been intrigued with the variety of answers this generation will give their children who ask, "Where did I come from,… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
Averages don't always reveal the most telling realities. You know, Shaquille O'Neal and I have an average height of 6 feet. — Robert Reich Copy Share Image
In the world of human thought generally, and in physical science particularly, the most important and fruitful concepts are those to which… — Hans Kramers Copy Share Image
If a man….who’s playing in front of the public, is being well paid, and he doesn’t dedicate himself to the job, I’d… — Bill Shankly Copy Share Image
“...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.” — Joshua Donellan Copy Share Image
It is commonly believed that anyone who tabulates numbers is a statistician. This is like believing that anyone who owns a scalpel… — Robert Hooke Copy Share Image
If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be… — Golda Meir Copy Share Image
I'm really interested in the link between creativity and humor because humor is a type of creativity, and I do think that… — Robert Mankoff Copy Share Image
“I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.” — Joshua Donellan Copy Share Image
“I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“A weapon needs a wielder; it should not be permitted to start its own fights." "You are not my wielder; you are… — Angelo Tsanatelis Copy Share Image
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm… — Lenny Bruce Copy Share Image
“To be depressed or neurotic is passive. It has happened to all of us; we are its victims, are we have no… — William Glasser M.D Copy Share Image
“Everyone was going crazy, like they’d just witnessed the birth of Jesus and the invention of electricity at the same time. Jude… — Nicole Williams Copy Share Image
This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
