Victor Borge

What is the difference between a Nazi and a dog?The Nazi lifts his arm.

— Victor Borge

And now, in honour of the 150th anniversary of Beethoven's death, I would like to play 'Clear the Saloon', er, 'Clair de…

— Victor Borge

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

— Victor Borge

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

— Victor Borge

“I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.”

— Victor Borge

The oboe sounds like a clarinet with a cold.

— Victor Borge

Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year.

— Victor Borge

Did you know that Mozart had no arms and no legs? I've seen statues of him on people's pianos.

— Victor Borge

I learned to play the piano on my mother's knee - that was before we got a piano.

— Victor Borge

My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.

— Victor Borge

That's why I've never thought of retiring because I do it all the time whether on the stage or off. I found…

— Victor Borge

If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.

— Victor Borge

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible? and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

— Victor Borge

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

— Victor Borge

When an opera star sings her head off? she usually improves her appearance.

— Victor Borge

Well, all's fair in love, war and fooling the critics.

— Victor Borge

I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.

— Victor Borge

How nice. Now the Germans can sleep in peace, knowing that they will not be invaded by us.

— Victor Borge

The elephant smoked too much.(explaining why the keys of his piano were so yellow)

— Victor Borge

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.

— Victor Borge

Many people have asked me why there are three pedals in these grand pianos. Well the pedal in the middle is there…

— Victor Borge

In my youth, I wanted to be a great pantomimist -- but I found I had nothing to say.

— Victor Borge

Beethoven wrote in three flats a lot. That's because he moved twice.

— Victor Borge

There are three Bachs. Johann, Sebastian and Offen.

— Victor Borge

When I was a little boy and played Liebestraum, my father used to hit me on the head with a newspaper every…

— Victor Borge