George Carlin

I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.

— George Carlin

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.

— George Carlin

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's…

— George Carlin

“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own,…

— George Carlin

“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might…

— George Carlin

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

— George Carlin

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

— George Carlin

“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a…

— George Carlin

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

— George Carlin

It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only…

— George Carlin

Is there another word for synonym?

— George Carlin

The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think…

— George Carlin

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

— George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

— George Carlin

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

— George Carlin

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

— George Carlin

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

— George Carlin

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

— George Carlin

If you dropped me off a space platform onto the ground where a line was drawn, I would fall to the left…

— George Carlin

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

— George Carlin

Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when…

— George Carlin

I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede…

— George Carlin

They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.

— George Carlin

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to…

— George Carlin

My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's…

— George Carlin