Time Quotes by George Carlin

Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

— George Carlin

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National

— George Carlin

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

— George Carlin

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

— George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

— George Carlin

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

— George Carlin

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.

— George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

— George Carlin

Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away

— George Carlin

No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go…

— George Carlin

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full,…

— George Carlin

Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.

— George Carlin

Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'

— George Carlin

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls…

— George Carlin

First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood -…

— George Carlin

Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second…

— George Carlin

My mother and I had a lot of distance between us emotionally, although, on the surface, most of the time, we appeared…

— George Carlin

Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought…

— George Carlin

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at…

— George Carlin

Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution,…

— George Carlin

You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like…

— George Carlin

You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like…

— George Carlin

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by…

— George Carlin

Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us…

— George Carlin

Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a…

— George Carlin

“I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know…

— George Carlin

As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone,…

— George Carlin

I like to write without being stoned. I like to have a hit or two and then go punch up the writing.…

— George Carlin

I had run away from home three times. I had been kicked out of three different schools under different circumstances. I was…

— George Carlin

The ending of my experience with cocaine came in a periodic way. I would get high less frequently, I would use smaller…

— George Carlin

There's a part of me that is angry. Not in the sense of, "Gee, George is an angry guy!" I mean, anyone…

— George Carlin

But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being…

— George Carlin

“I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and…

— George Carlin

“The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse…

— George Carlin

Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.

— George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

— George Carlin

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

— George Carlin

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course…

— George Carlin

Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take buy by the moments that take your breath away

— George Carlin

We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.

— George Carlin