“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't see much of a future for this planet. I think it's a cursed planet. The boundaries we've drawn between nations… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I had run away from home three times. I had been kicked out of three different schools under different circumstances. I was… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.' — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
