Firsts Quotes by George Carlin

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

— George Carlin

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

— George Carlin

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

— George Carlin

Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.

— George Carlin

I'm offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon.

— George Carlin

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

— George Carlin

Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.

— George Carlin

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding…

— George Carlin

Everything that you know about yourself comes from thinking back, and I think I saw religion as the first big betrayal of…

— George Carlin

“It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why…

— George Carlin

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's…

— George Carlin

I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'

— George Carlin

First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood -…

— George Carlin

The writing is what gives me the joy, especially editing myself for the page, and getting something ready to show to the…

— George Carlin

I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously…

— George Carlin

Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a…

— George Carlin

I hope I'm beginning a new cycle of energy and creativity. If so, it'll really be my third career. The first was…

— George Carlin

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems…

— George Carlin

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he…

— George Carlin

Brenda [Carlin] went into therapy and I soon joined her. First we put the drugs behind us, then we began serious work…

— George Carlin

One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They…

— George Carlin

My history of moving away from drugs is not the kind you hear from most people. Certainly not from celebrities, especially those…

— George Carlin

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can…

— George Carlin

Sometimes, after I'd gone at the coke like one of those snow plows moving up First Avenue, I'd think my heart was…

— George Carlin

When you start in the childhood period, when you begin to form a comic sense, it was the radio comedians - from…

— George Carlin

... the important thing is to, first of all, question everything you read or hear or see or are told. Question it,…

— George Carlin

I set out to become a comedian, and I said in order to do that the first thing I'll do is become…

— George Carlin

[On School Uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look…

— George Carlin

Because Brenda [Carlin] had a drinking problem along with the coke, she had to hit bottom first. Most alcoholics do. And for…

— George Carlin

When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that…

— George Carlin