I always have these little internal monologues. You'll get used to them. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . . — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use?… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it's from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
One of the interesting things about "outsidership" is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Let me get a sip of water here...you figure this stuff is safe to drink? Actually, I don't care, I drink it… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There are a lot of little things about our bodies that we all know, but we never talk about. That's what interests… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I like to write without being stoned. I like to have a hit or two and then go punch up the writing.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. 'Cause… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone. Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Early in my career I was divided because I had the real self underneath: the lawbreaker, the anarchist, the person who swims… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
My history of moving away from drugs is not the kind you hear from most people. Certainly not from celebrities, especially those… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
