In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know, if a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Language is the most elementary aspect to our humanness, probably. In addition to that, it's the embodiment, it's the apotheosis of the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I loved the angiogram. They stick a thing in your thigh and it goes all the way up to your heart. Isn't… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When you look at Earth from that one picture, the one from space, it's really a rather attractive thing. I have nothing… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The only good thing about religion is the music. Because nature is filled with balances and opposites, there are always exceptions to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't understand a belief that there is an invisible being in the sky who watches over us all the time and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a class clown, of the classic term for it. I would get the work done easily, and then I would… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We use up words like 'spiritual' so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago spiritual had a distinct meaning. But now there's… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
They'll get it all from you sooner or later 'cause they own this f**kin' place. It's a big club and you ain't… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't think drugs are a problem; I think they're a symptom. As long as Americans are empty, spiritually, emotionally, morally empty,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Someone said, and rightfully, that "property is theft'." There's no way a man can stand and tell me that he owns an… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I look at it this way... For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature:… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't care much about the outcome. I'd like for people to feel better and have better lives, but I don't think… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
No, there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I suspect there really was more to my accident than bad luck. I think it was God's way of punishing my nose. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I became a guy who wanted to be a comedian someday, or a comic actor. The way I put it was, I'll… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was kind of sweet kid, according my mother, and my recollections. Thoughtful and good, but kind of alone - although I… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
