“Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take buy by the moments that take your breath away — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Why do so many people need help?! Life is not that complicated. You get up, you go to work, eat three meals,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man shit. It’s nature’s supreme joke. Deep in the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man ¦ Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bullshit they teach you in school.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
