These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches?… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
