No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists." — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use?… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
