Humorous Quotes by Dave Barry

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

— Dave Barry

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.

— Dave Barry

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

— Dave Barry

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

— Dave Barry

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

— Dave Barry

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal

— Dave Barry

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

— Dave Barry

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.

— Dave Barry

Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some…

— Dave Barry

We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple…

— Dave Barry

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

— Dave Barry

This (America) is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhatan all the way to the towering mounds of…

— Dave Barry

Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of…

— Dave Barry

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.

— Dave Barry

Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.

— Dave Barry

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

— Dave Barry

The beer sold here in the United States is sweet and watery and lacking in taste and overcarbonated and just generally the…

— Dave Barry

My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're…

— Dave Barry

Everybody in New York, including police horses, dresses fashionably, and whenever I'm there, even in my sharpest funeral-quality suit with no visible…

— Dave Barry

Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and…

— Dave Barry

The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they're being subtle…

— Dave Barry

There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to…

— Dave Barry

We have been flooded with postal cards from all over the United States and several parallel universes. Just a quick glance though…

— Dave Barry

The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch…

— Dave Barry

The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy…

— Dave Barry

Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an…

— Dave Barry

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It…

— Dave Barry

I am absolutely sick unto death of hearing people say - they all say this; it must be Item One on the…

— Dave Barry

You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really,…

— Dave Barry

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you…

— Dave Barry

One night in Tokyo we watched two Japanese businessmen saying good-night to each other after what had clearly been a long night…

— Dave Barry

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands…

— Dave Barry

Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if…

— Dave Barry

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you…

— Dave Barry

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.

— Dave Barry

Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You."

— Dave Barry

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family,…

— Dave Barry

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.

— Dave Barry

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas…

— Dave Barry

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they…

— Dave Barry