Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
When your Super Bowl guests arrive, they should find a mound of potato chips large enough to conceal a pony sitting in… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You should definitely have a travel agent. Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I feel like I have more experience with publishing humor than pretty much any editor I'm going to be dealing with so… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached, after traveling through Japan, as well as countless hours reading, studying,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Unless you live in Indonesia, there should be several malls within five miles of your home. It makes no difference whatsoever which… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Ask any real estate broker to name the three most important factors in buying a property, and he'll say: "Location, location, location."… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings - even the truth. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
We should call editorials what they are: columns written by committees. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, I thought history was the most boring subject of all. I shouldn't blame my teachers; I should… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I am absolutely sick unto death of hearing people say - they all say this; it must be Item One on the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
SAT tests are designed by huge panels of experts in education and psychology who work for years to design tests in which… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Internet "browser"... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
It is important to be nice. But sometimes niceness can be misconstrued as weak. Should we be nice to everybody? Should we… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
When you say you don't think we should have public schools, they can't believe you mean that. You must mean that they… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
When preparing your return, you should be sure to avoid common mistakes. The two most common taxpayer mistakes, states the IRS booklet,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Directors are always changing things at the last minute. Actors will do a scene, and the director will say, ‘Okay, that was… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
With a novel, you have the reader with you a lot longer, and you owe him a lot more. Obviously you have… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
