If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Teenagers are bored. By everything. Show a teenager an actual volcanic eruption, in progress, featuring giant billowing clouds of smoke, hot rocks… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
We are talking about mutated women, the result of cruel genetic experiments performed by fashion designers so lacking in any sense of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Sir,” James asked, “what are we going to do?” “We’re going to look for water,” said Alf. “And food?” said Tubby Ted.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair "look" that was originally popularized by coconuts. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
So when I open the door on Halloween, I am confronted by three or four imaginary heroes, such as G.I. Joe, Conan… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average incomes for doing average jobs- bank vice presidents, insurance salesmen,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at photos of the Gettysburg Address there's a guy off to the right who I think is Keith Richards. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
We're trying to make our current house look domestic so that somebody will want to buy it. We're making a lot of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. A tautology is a thing which is tautological. A witty saying proves… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Men have no cause to criticize women about the way they are about weddings. Because men are like that about sports, but… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Think, for a moment, of the countless happy childhood hours you spent with this amazing device: Drawing perfect horizontals, drawing perfect verticals,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Common criticism of the Internet is that it is dominated by the crude, the uninformed, the immature, the smug, the untalented, the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
But that's kind of an easy stance to be if you're a humor columnist, because you're tending to make fun of the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
