Ifs Quotes by Dave Barry

As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."

— Dave Barry

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

— Dave Barry

If Mozart had power tools, there's no telling how great his music might have been.

— Dave Barry

Why else do we have Miami, if not to give me material?

— Dave Barry

Don't emphasise money if you don't have much; be happy

— Dave Barry

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

— Dave Barry

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

— Dave Barry

Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.

— Dave Barry

Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week…

— Dave Barry

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.

— Dave Barry

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain…

— Dave Barry

Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if…

— Dave Barry

There's a test they can do to determine a baby's gender ahead of time; I think they insert a tiny photo of…

— Dave Barry

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you…

— Dave Barry

Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat "what if?" questions and…

— Dave Barry

Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage…

— Dave Barry

During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true vacation paradise, offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear…

— Dave Barry

Many things have been written, including by me, linking humor and pain. Mostly, in my case, the humor part keeps me sane.…

— Dave Barry

Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing…

— Dave Barry

Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in…

— Dave Barry

Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items…

— Dave Barry

If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when…

— Dave Barry

I got a lot of mail from organizations concerned with bike safety. Then I got a couple from people who wanted my…

— Dave Barry

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the…

— Dave Barry

If God had wanted us to spend all our time fretting about the problems of home ownership, He would never have created…

— Dave Barry

The president, apparently, was so totally unaware of where his foreign policy was that he had to appoint a distinguished commission to…

— Dave Barry

The problem was that Panama technically belonged to Colombia, which refused to sign a treaty leasing it to the United States. So…

— Dave Barry

The nicest Father's Day surprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and…

— Dave Barry

Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey…

— Dave Barry

Here's my proposal, which is based on the TV show Survivor: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food…

— Dave Barry

The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you. But that is no reason to bypass this beautiful country, whose…

— Dave Barry

You can be the smartest person in the world - which Bill Clinton is, and if he's not, his wife is -…

— Dave Barry

The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

— Dave Barry

Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress.

— Dave Barry

Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this…

— Dave Barry

If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most…

— Dave Barry

If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes.

— Dave Barry

There's only one way kids will wear helmets, and that's if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets…

— Dave Barry

But the feeling I have, you know, is that I'll never come close to reading all, or even a thousandth- a billionth-…

— Dave Barry

Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your…

— Dave Barry