If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I think if you use Twitter and social media as your main source of information you are an idiot, but I think… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at photos of the Gettysburg Address there's a guy off to the right who I think is Keith Richards. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There's tremendous pressure, if you're in that [goverment] system, to be involved and be interested and to care about it. There's no… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
My son, Rob…said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just about any wacky thing they tell us, especially… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Imagine what will happen to this nation if large numbers of American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be catastrophic. The… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Here in the news media, our focus is on speed. When we get hold of some new and possibly inaccurate information, our… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The more boring a newspaper is, the more it is respected. The most respected newspaper in the United States is The New… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
We're trying to make our current house look domestic so that somebody will want to buy it. We're making a lot of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I am absolutely sick unto death of hearing people say - they all say this; it must be Item One on the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
To defend Western Europe we have to let the Pentagon buy all these tanks and guns and things, and the Pentagon is… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The weightlifting competition I saw was the women's 63 kg class. I'm not sure whether this means the actual women weighed 63… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Here's a simple experiment that you might want to try if there is absolutely nothing else going on in your life. All… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This was years ago, I think during the early [Ronald] Reagan years. I came up with a plan that everybody just pay… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a "dynamite" tax tip. If you ask them a real tax… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you tell most people what libertarians think, they immediately assume that you cannot mean it all the way, that you're really… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
My son wouldn't go get heroin. If he did or didn't, it wouldn't have anything to do with whether it was legal… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's garden tiller. If your neighbor does… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If the people in Europe are SOOOOOO smart, how come so many of them can't seem to locate the deodorant, huh? — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I guess libertarianism is always considered so weird and fringe that people assume that you're in the closet if you don't go… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I've been checking with people back in South Florida to see if Hurricane Dennis is going to whack my house, and the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
By the eighties, a lot of radio stations had started playing "Sixties" music. They called it "Classic Rock," because they knew we'd… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I am much more likely to care about someone trying to be funny and give them some credit for whatever he or… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
...Terry Jackson, who is the Miami Herald's automotive writer and TV critic. That's correct: This man gets paid to drive new cars… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me -… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to Alien beings. This would be a large mistake.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
![“There's tremendous pressure, if you're in that [goverment] system, to be involved and be interested and to care about it. There's no room to say, "This is stupid."” quote by Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/2c5/dave-barry-222_care_there-s-tremendous-pressure-if-you-re-in_402582.jpg)
![“The more boring a newspaper is, the more it is respected. The most respected newspaper in the United States is The New York Times, which has thousands of reporters constantly producing enormous front-page stories about bauxite...The [New York] Post would write about bauxite only if famous…” quote by Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/275/dave-barry-222_arrested_the-more-boring-a-newspaper-is-the-more_2143291.jpg)
![“This was years ago, I think during the early [Ronald] Reagan years. I came up with a plan that everybody just pay $8.95 in taxes. Cheating would be allowed. But the incentive to cheat wouldn't be nearly as great if you only had to pay the $8.95. There were a few people who would have to pay…” quote by Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/c7c/dave-barry-222_bills_this-was-years-ago-i-think-during-the-ea_1154458.jpg)
