If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to Alien beings. This would be a large mistake.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts]....If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
John Dorschner, one of our staff writers here at Tropic magazine at The Miami Herald, who is a good friend of mine… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You can't have a bad time at Disney World. It's not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This was years ago, I think during the early [Ronald] Reagan years. I came up with a plan that everybody just pay… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There's a test they can do to determine a baby's gender ahead of time; I think they insert a tiny photo of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you have ever seen the movie Night of the Living Dead, you have a rough idea how modern corporations and organizations… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Here's my proposal, which is based on the TV show Survivor: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at photos of the Gettysburg Address there's a guy off to the right who I think is Keith Richards. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
My son wouldn't go get heroin. If he did or didn't, it wouldn't have anything to do with whether it was legal… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist." — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I am absolutely sick unto death of hearing people say - they all say this; it must be Item One on the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
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