We're trying to make our current house look domestic so that somebody will want to buy it. We're making a lot of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Imagine what will happen to this nation if large numbers of American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be catastrophic. The… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I got a lot of mail from organizations concerned with bike safety. Then I got a couple from people who wanted my… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Many things have been written, including by me, linking humor and pain. Mostly, in my case, the humor part keeps me sane.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There's only one way kids will wear helmets, and that's if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. A tautology is a thing which is tautological. A witty saying proves… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I am much more likely to care about someone trying to be funny and give them some credit for whatever he or… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
'I'm sorry,' guys are always telling women, 'but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.' Guys are in a permanent state… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Kids have *_____ never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel back in time and observe the original primate family… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
To defend Western Europe we have to let the Pentagon buy all these tanks and guns and things, and the Pentagon is… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
But the feeling I have, you know, is that I'll never come close to reading all, or even a thousandth- a billionth-… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I don't like anything unsigned in a newspaper that purports to be the opinion of some group if we don't know who… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
By the eighties, a lot of radio stations had started playing "Sixties" music. They called it "Classic Rock," because they knew we'd… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I guess libertarianism is always considered so weird and fringe that people assume that you're in the closet if you don't go… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The more boring a newspaper is, the more it is respected. The most respected newspaper in the United States is The New… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If Mozart had power tools, there's no telling how great his music might have been. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
My son, Rob....said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The nicest Father's Day surprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
