Knows Quotes by Dave Barry

I don't know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house.

— Dave Barry

I was a middle-of-the-road Democrat more than anything else. I know I voted for Carter. Watergate taught me how bad the Republicans…

— Dave Barry

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

— Dave Barry

As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.

— Dave Barry

...Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport.

— Dave Barry

If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood.

— Dave Barry

I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even…

— Dave Barry

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.

— Dave Barry

When I write my annual tax column, some ex-IRS agent will complain, "There you go IRS bashing again." They're always saying that…

— Dave Barry

You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off…

— Dave Barry

I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I…

— Dave Barry

Reporters aren't stupid. We were standing around talking about which of the 900 health-care proposals that nobody's going to accept is that…

— Dave Barry

Roy Blount, who is the funniest person I know, journeys deep into the dark heart of humor and brings back a wonderfully…

— Dave Barry

See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only…

— Dave Barry

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood…

— Dave Barry

I know that all over America there's probably politicians sending out pictures of themselves signing that mandatory helmet bill, but it's bullshit.…

— Dave Barry

I guess the negative thing that happens to me is that I'm old now. They said there was a generation I was…

— Dave Barry

You can be the smartest person in the world - which Bill Clinton is, and if he's not, his wife is -…

— Dave Barry

Several months ago, out of the blue, a company named "Cingular" started sending me bills. I had never heard of Cingular, and…

— Dave Barry

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose…

— Dave Barry

The weightlifting competition I saw was the women's 63 kg class. I'm not sure whether this means the actual women weighed 63…

— Dave Barry

You're not allowed to park a truck in your driveway. You're not allowed to work on your house on Sunday. The people…

— Dave Barry

I did all this stuff that was illegal when I was a kid. I drank beer when I was 15. I smoked…

— Dave Barry

I think I've learned over the years, because you'd have to be stupid not to, that when a book publisher gives you…

— Dave Barry

Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress.

— Dave Barry

What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era (the…

— Dave Barry

The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of…

— Dave Barry

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea…

— Dave Barry

But the feeling I have, you know, is that I'll never come close to reading all, or even a thousandth- a billionth-…

— Dave Barry

I don't like anything unsigned in a newspaper that purports to be the opinion of some group if we don't know who…

— Dave Barry

I think if you use Twitter and social media as your main source of information you are an idiot, but I think…

— Dave Barry

Nobody in the United States knows what either a "meter" or a "kilogram" is. The whole reason why we fought the Cold…

— Dave Barry

I actually like south Florida. I never lived in a more interesting place than this. I've never met a wider range of…

— Dave Barry

You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not…

— Dave Barry

With a novel, you have to have a story. It's much more important to have it matter to the reader what happens…

— Dave Barry

I love the resource of the Internet. I use it all the time. Anything I'm writing - for example, if I'm writing…

— Dave Barry

John Dorschner, one of our staff writers here at Tropic magazine at The Miami Herald, who is a good friend of mine…

— Dave Barry

I feel like I have more experience with publishing humor than pretty much any editor I'm going to be dealing with so…

— Dave Barry

Common criticism of the Internet is that it is dominated by the crude, the uninformed, the immature, the smug, the untalented, the…

— Dave Barry

Most guys believe that they're supposed to know how to fix things. This is a responsibility that guys have historically taken upon…

— Dave Barry