See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You're not allowed to park a truck in your driveway. You're not allowed to work on your house on Sunday. The people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I know that all over America there's probably politicians sending out pictures of themselves signing that mandatory helmet bill, but it's bullshit.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Most guys believe that they're supposed to know how to fix things. This is a responsibility that guys have historically taken upon… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era (the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I was a middle-of-the-road Democrat more than anything else. I know I voted for Carter. Watergate taught me how bad the Republicans… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Common criticism of the Internet is that it is dominated by the crude, the uninformed, the immature, the smug, the untalented, the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I think I've learned over the years, because you'd have to be stupid not to, that when a book publisher gives you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You can be the smartest person in the world - which Bill Clinton is, and if he's not, his wife is -… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I actually like south Florida. I never lived in a more interesting place than this. I've never met a wider range of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Nobody in the United States knows what either a "meter" or a "kilogram" is. The whole reason why we fought the Cold… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
With a novel, you have the reader with you a lot longer, and you owe him a lot more. Obviously you have… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I think if you use Twitter and social media as your main source of information you are an idiot, but I think… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I love the resource of the Internet. I use it all the time. Anything I'm writing - for example, if I'm writing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The weightlifting competition I saw was the women's 63 kg class. I'm not sure whether this means the actual women weighed 63… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
