With humor you have so many options with topics and length, I mean I can write humor essays in books now and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
But my point is that competitive eating is a real sport, and I considered taking it up. But when I thought about… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I really need to know where I'm going with fiction to write it in a way that at least I'm happy with.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
When I say 'serve you better,' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I do not mean to suggest for a moment that all it takes to be a top executive is a custom-tailored European… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricty goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I find myself having these conversations where I go...You know, the guy, in that place. The guy in the place with the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The newspaper industry when I came along in the mid-70s was rich and powerful and growing and hungry for material and open… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
On behalf of the newspaper industry I wish to announce some changes we're making to serve you better. When I say 'serve… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The thing I have learned, especially in the Internet age, probably the easiest thing in the world is to declare that something… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I do not mean to be the slightest bit critical of TV newspeople, who do a superb job, considering that they operate… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Advice to expectant mothers: you must remember that when you are pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must remember that… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't get me wrong. I like Disney World. The rest rooms are clean enough for neurosurgery, and the employees say things like… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The one thing I'm terrified of trying to write about is sex. I mean my God, my wife might read it or… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The issue we are reluctant to talk about is even more sensitive than condoms. The issue - and I will try to… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
When you say you don't think we should have public schools, they can't believe you mean that. You must mean that they… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Leonard Aster thanked Fighting Prawn and the Mollusk tribe for their hospitality. “You mean,” said Fighting Prawn, “for not killing you?” “Yes,”… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to them means 'idiot.' — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you tell most people what libertarians think, they immediately assume that you cannot mean it all the way, that you're really… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The weightlifting competition I saw was the women's 63 kg class. I'm not sure whether this means the actual women weighed 63… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
