Stupid Quotes by George Carlin

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

— George Carlin

Life is a zero sum game.

— George Carlin

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

— George Carlin

"No comment" is a comment.

— George Carlin

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

— George Carlin

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

— George Carlin

Hooray for most things!

— George Carlin

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

— George Carlin

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

— George Carlin

I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

— George Carlin

No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it.

— George Carlin

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

— George Carlin

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National

— George Carlin

Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

— George Carlin

Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.

— George Carlin

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

— George Carlin

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was?

— George Carlin

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

— George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're…

— George Carlin

The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come…

— George Carlin

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

— George Carlin

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to…

— George Carlin

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends…

— George Carlin

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention…

— George Carlin

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us.…

— George Carlin

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for.…

— George Carlin

The whole problem with the world today: private property. If no one owned anything, it would be a lot better. There's even…

— George Carlin

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

— George Carlin

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

— George Carlin

The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.

— George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

— George Carlin

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

— George Carlin

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

— George Carlin

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

— George Carlin

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

— George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.

— George Carlin

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

— George Carlin

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

— George Carlin

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

— George Carlin

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

— George Carlin