If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know, if a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Someone once said, if you scratch a cynic, and you'll find a disappointed idealist. That really rang a bell with me -… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If there were only one cherry pie in the world, and Bill Clinton owned it, I might get a piece of it.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The only good thing about religion is the music. Because nature is filled with balances and opposites, there are always exceptions to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't understand a belief that there is an invisible being in the sky who watches over us all the time and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you're reading it in a book, folks, it ain't self-help. It's help. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
![“Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of…” quote by George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/a40/george-carlin-155_broads_most-of-the-note-taking-happens-while-i_754895.jpg)
