Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think you can talk about anything if the context is correctly arranged. If you set up the context and you bring… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Someone once said, if you scratch a cynic, and you'll find a disappointed idealist. That really rang a bell with me -… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
